Archive for the 'Uncategorized' Category

Shitty Mix Tape Challenge

Posted in Uncategorized on June 3rd, 2006 by kstevens

Via Norbizness I have discovered what might be the greatest contest ever. Pick five songs from your music collection which, taken together, comprise the shittiest mix tape of music ever. I am afraid I can’t possibly win this contest since several current entries destroy any potential combination I could muster (check the link – 2 Hulk Hogan songs, one of which, along with the worst song I’ve ever heard, didn’t even make the guy’s top 5). However, here’s my best effort:

1)Eagles – Love Will Keep Us Alive

This song pretty much destroyed my ability to listen to the any Eagles song.

2) Elton John/Kiki Dee – Don’t Go Breaking My Heart

Using 70′s duets should probably be against the rules of the contest

3) David Geddes – Run Joey Run (lyrics only)

I used to think this song was funny-bad. I was wrong. It’s bad-bad.

4) Various Artists – I Love Rock & Roll (Joan Jett); Heart of Rock & Roll (Huey Lewis); Still Rock & Roll to Me (Billy Joel); We Built This City (Starship)

I’m cheating a little here, but I really, really hate songs attempting to glorify Rock & Roll. Seems to me that these songs were all recorded at a time when Rock & Roll was on the decline (if not completely dead).

UPDATE: The video for “We Built This City” is so bad that it manages to make a shitty song much worse (Abe Lincoln? WTF?)

5) Michael Murphy – Wildfire (lyrics only)

Some of the worst lyrics ever. Songs that tell a story are usually either very very good (Hurricane; Don’t Stand So Clsoe to Me; Pancho & Lefty) or very very bad (Run Joey Run; Jack & Diane). This song clearly falls under the latter category. The fucking horse dies from a “killing frost” for christ’s sake.

BONUS TRACKS (Because I couldn’t include all my crappy hair band singles)

6) Whitesnake – Is this Love

7) Van Halen – How Do I Know When It’s Love

8) Mr. Big – To Be With You

9) Journey – Faithfully; Wheel in the Sky (Armageddon Soundtrack anyone?)

10) Foreigner – Hot Blooded

11) Boston – Higher Power

12) Bad English – When I See you Smile

Clear motive

Posted in Uncategorized on April 16th, 2006 by DoubleMan

“Regarding a potential motive,” Tompkins said, “this appears to have been part of a plan to kidnap a person, rape them, torture them, kill them, cut off their head, drain the body of blood, rape the corpse, eat the corpse, then dispose of the organs and bones.”

Why wasn’t he planning to eat the organs?  Fucking psycho.

Breakfast…

Posted in Uncategorized on April 7th, 2006 by Pants Of Time

Waffles

Springtime for Hitler: A Gay Romp With Adolf and Eva at Berchtesgaden

Posted in Uncategorized on April 6th, 2006 by Pants Of Time
Germany was having trouble
What a sad, sad story
Needed a new leader to restore
Its former glory
Where, oh, where was he?
Where could that man be?
We looked around and then we found
The man for you and me
And now it’s…
Springtime for Hitler and Germany
Deutschland is happy and gay!
We’re marching to a faster pace
Look out, here comes the master race!
Springtime for Hitler and Germany
Winter for Poland and France
Springtime for Hitler and Germany
Come on Germans
Go into your dance
I was born in Dusseldorf
Und that is why they call me Rolf.
Don’t be stupid, be a smarty,
Come and join the Nazi party!
Springtime for Hitler and Germany
*BOMB*
Goosesteps a new step today
*BOMB*
Springtime for Hitler and Germany
Means that soon we’ll be going
We got to be going
You know we’ll be going to
WARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

The Amazon.com Knee-Jerk Contrarian Game

Posted in Etc., Uncategorized on April 6th, 2006 by kstevens

Just discovered this game at waxy.org via norbizness.

The game is played by looking up popular and critically acclaimed books, movies, TV, shows, etc on Amazon.com and sorting the user reviews by “lowest rating first.”

Some awesome examples [my comments in brackets]:

The White Album: “If you want to hear a peak in popular rock music listen to (for example) “Use Your Illusion I & II” by Guns N’ Roses. These are the kind of albums that deserve all the praise the White Album gets.” [Apparently Great White did not kill ALL their fans]

Bob Dylan – Highway 61 Revisited: “He set the precedent that doomed rock ‘n roll to always being a semantic eunuch.” [Not sure what "semantic eunuch" means, but (like him or not) wouldn't Dylan be the opposite of that?]

John Coltrane – A Love Supreme: “I think about Kenny G., for instance. His rythmic session is much more regular, whereas Coltrane’s session seems sometimes to loose the beat.” [My head hurts]

Casablanca: “I’m pretty sure I will enjoy it a lot more when Warner Bros finally gets around to releasing the colorized version, the way this movie needs to be seen – the world is not black and white, why should our movies be?” [Seriously. And why didn't they bring in George Lucas to punch up the special effects? That plane takeoff was teh lame]

Casablanca (again): “This movie is horrible! It is so boring and unoriginal that I can’t stand it.” [I'm pretty sure that they ripped off the plot from Out Cold. But I have to admit it was hilarious when Claude Raines got his dick stuck in that hot tub]

Shawshank Redemption: “It’s a shame that a briliiant actor and director had to fall victum to the use of vile language when it was proven by the television version that it was completely unnecessary to the impact and story line.” [I hate to fall victim to the use of vile language, but this reviewer is a fuckwad]

The Godfather: “‘The Godfather’ has an ugly consciousness and a mean spirit. I see no justification for it, thoroughly disliked it, and have tried to forget it.”[I too prefer mob movies where the mobsters sit around holding bakesales and never kill anyone]

Catcher in the Rye: “I find it as pointless as the day i read it. You would be much better off reading a nice Grisham, actually…” [No comment]

Slaughterhouse Five: “I read it, but I literally have no idea what this book is about. And I’m not reading it again to find out either.” [Definitely the most helpful Amazon review evar]

2001-A Space Odyssey: “For the reviewers commenting that the ‘director wants the viewer to use his/her brain’ I say that movies are a form of entertainment and should not leave the viewer with to much to think about.” [This explains the film career of Martin Lawrence]

Lawrence of Arabia: “To my horror, I saw that Columbia had seen fit to alter a masterpiece. Yes, the film came complete with those horrific black bars at the top and bottom of my screen, which obscured about half of the picture. I’ve seen those bars on the “artsy” videos on TV, and I sometimes enjoy them. But this is a classic work of art! You don’t try to make it “hip” and “relevant” with modern touches. It would be like adding a moustache to the Mona Lisa. Until Columbia drops the act and releases “Lawrence of Arabia” without those bars, letting us see all of the picture, stay away. [I am not sure I want to live in world where people like this exist]

Catch-22: “The writing is incredibly long-winded (he needed to EDIT, he needed a COMPUTER) and Heller always chooses the MORE OBSCURE word over the more ACCESSIBLE, STUPIDER (Heller probably thought) word.” [These types of reviewers really piss me off. They blame the writer because they are too stupid to understand the words. Apparently, all novels should be written at the level of "See Spot Run"]

Catch-22 (again): “I always wanted to read Catch 22 because it was a famous book (and of course the term was used in a Metallica song).” [See Lawrence of Arabia above]

Seven Samurai: “This movie seems to be a scene-by-scene copy of one of my favorite movies-”Magnificent Seven”. Magnificent seven is a classic movie that has been copied many times, but I didn’t know westerns were popular enough in japan to be copied.” [See Lawrence of Arabia above]

Abbey Road: I bought this album because I totally thought the guy on the right was Kate Hudson’s husband. So I mean, I THOUGHT I was scoring some QUALITY stoner grooves or like, something kinda White Stripey. Dude, was I wrong. Like, are there ANY phat beats on this thing? Um, NO–I heard they don’t tour at all–I bet they can’t dance, ’cause not one of their boy band harmonies has a kickin’ beat behind it, so what’s the point? And what’s with the look? I mean, dude, hit a gymn already, and like, catch Queer Eye like even once, and get some product in your hair. And those lyrics…they don’t take it from the streets to the suburbs (props to Eminem) or the suburbs to the suburbs (shout out to tha Kid)–in fact THEY DON’T RAP AT ALL. I Want You (She’s So Heavy)–I mean, sure we all want the hot girl, but do you have to make the other girl who’s fat feel bad by telling her that? Too cold. And what’s with Carry That Weight–is the guy going with the fat girl after all, or has he gotten fat himself? Confusing. Give Me “your body is a wonderland” any day. Speaking of heavy, forget slammin’ tracks–these guys are ENGLISH, so they don’t hit it like like Korn or Limp Bizkit or Phantom Planet. And okay, yeah, Sun King was kind of cool to chill to, but it would be better if it lasted like, twenty minutes with the same downbeats going all the way through–you can’t get halfway through your doobie before the song is like, over. And Polythene Pam right after? Freaked me out, man. So, in summary, check out a real band like Incubus. [Hard to beleive this one isn't a parody. Even so, I actually kinda like this guy]

The Scarlet letter: “Why the couple couldn’t have gotten a divorce is beyond me.” [Yes. Yes it is.]

All the Presidents Men: “I didn’t like this movie very much. I only rented it because Stephen Collins was in it as Hugh W. Sloan Jr. I liked his role because I like him and he’s very attractive guy for being 55 years old. I like him best in this movie. He’s also very very good as Eric Camden on the hit ABC television show 7th Heaven. Way to go, Stephen!” [I really don't know where to begin with this one]

This is Spinal Tap: “If you’re going to make such an excellent documentary, why make it about about a band that nobody has ever heard of? Getting similar behind-the-scenes footage on the Who, The Stones, or Genesis would have been a monumental achievment in documentary cinema. But Spinal Pap?” [Thats ok. I think Steven Tyler made the very same mistake this reviewer is making when he saw the movie]

Happy Birthday Pants of Time!

Posted in Uncategorized on March 24th, 2006 by seedoubleyou

yes, we care.

Happy 25th duder.

Survey says

Posted in Uncategorized on March 16th, 2006 by zedlappy

Proving once again that ignorance is bliss.

Republicans are happier than Democrats

[sic]

Posted in Uncategorized on March 12th, 2006 by DoubleMan

The local fish market (which sucks, as do most fish markets in MA) has specials on “talapia” and “dungenous” crab.

Nice job, guys.

Just hang the brown ones over there

Posted in Uncategorized on March 11th, 2006 by DoubleMan

The new Barney’s in Copley made some interesting decorating choices.

Ewwww, cooties

Posted in Uncategorized on March 3rd, 2006 by DoubleMan

Considering that performing CPR on any man makes a man gay, I can understand why this police chief may have acted this way