Archive for the 'Etc.' Category
The game is played by looking up popular and critically acclaimed books, movies, TV, shows, etc on Amazon.com and sorting the user reviews by “lowest rating first.”
Some awesome examples [my comments in brackets]:
The White Album: “If you want to hear a peak in popular rock music listen to (for example) “Use Your Illusion I & II” by Guns N’ Roses. These are the kind of albums that deserve all the praise the White Album gets.” [Apparently Great White did not kill ALL their fans]
Bob Dylan – Highway 61 Revisited: “He set the precedent that doomed rock ‘n roll to always being a semantic eunuch.” [Not sure what “semantic eunuch” means, but (like him or not) wouldn’t Dylan be the opposite of that?]
John Coltrane – A Love Supreme: “I think about Kenny G., for instance. His rythmic session is much more regular, whereas Coltrane’s session seems sometimes to loose the beat.” [My head hurts]
Casablanca: “I’m pretty sure I will enjoy it a lot more when Warner Bros finally gets around to releasing the colorized version, the way this movie needs to be seen – the world is not black and white, why should our movies be?” [Seriously. And why didn’t they bring in George Lucas to punch up the special effects? That plane takeoff was teh lame]
Casablanca (again): “This movie is horrible! It is so boring and unoriginal that I can’t stand it.” [I’m pretty sure that they ripped off the plot from Out Cold. But I have to admit it was hilarious when Claude Raines got his dick stuck in that hot tub]
Shawshank Redemption: “It’s a shame that a briliiant actor and director had to fall victum to the use of vile language when it was proven by the television version that it was completely unnecessary to the impact and story line.” [I hate to fall victim to the use of vile language, but this reviewer is a fuckwad]
The Godfather: “‘The Godfather’ has an ugly consciousness and a mean spirit. I see no justification for it, thoroughly disliked it, and have tried to forget it.”[I too prefer mob movies where the mobsters sit around holding bakesales and never kill anyone]
Catcher in the Rye: “I find it as pointless as the day i read it. You would be much better off reading a nice Grisham, actually…” [No comment]
Slaughterhouse Five: “I read it, but I literally have no idea what this book is about. And I’m not reading it again to find out either.” [Definitely the most helpful Amazon review evar]
2001-A Space Odyssey: “For the reviewers commenting that the ‘director wants the viewer to use his/her brain’ I say that movies are a form of entertainment and should not leave the viewer with to much to think about.” [This explains the film career of Martin Lawrence]
Lawrence of Arabia: “To my horror, I saw that Columbia had seen fit to alter a masterpiece. Yes, the film came complete with those horrific black bars at the top and bottom of my screen, which obscured about half of the picture. I’ve seen those bars on the “artsy” videos on TV, and I sometimes enjoy them. But this is a classic work of art! You don’t try to make it “hip” and “relevant” with modern touches. It would be like adding a moustache to the Mona Lisa. Until Columbia drops the act and releases “Lawrence of Arabia” without those bars, letting us see all of the picture, stay away. [I am not sure I want to live in world where people like this exist]
Catch-22: “The writing is incredibly long-winded (he needed to EDIT, he needed a COMPUTER) and Heller always chooses the MORE OBSCURE word over the more ACCESSIBLE, STUPIDER (Heller probably thought) word.” [These types of reviewers really piss me off. They blame the writer because they are too stupid to understand the words. Apparently, all novels should be written at the level of “See Spot Run”]
Catch-22 (again): “I always wanted to read Catch 22 because it was a famous book (and of course the term was used in a Metallica song).” [See Lawrence of Arabia above]
Seven Samurai: “This movie seems to be a scene-by-scene copy of one of my favorite movies-“Magnificent Seven”. Magnificent seven is a classic movie that has been copied many times, but I didn’t know westerns were popular enough in japan to be copied.” [See Lawrence of Arabia above]
Abbey Road: I bought this album because I totally thought the guy on the right was Kate Hudson’s husband. So I mean, I THOUGHT I was scoring some QUALITY stoner grooves or like, something kinda White Stripey. Dude, was I wrong. Like, are there ANY phat beats on this thing? Um, NO–I heard they don’t tour at all–I bet they can’t dance, ’cause not one of their boy band harmonies has a kickin’ beat behind it, so what’s the point? And what’s with the look? I mean, dude, hit a gymn already, and like, catch Queer Eye like even once, and get some product in your hair. And those lyrics…they don’t take it from the streets to the suburbs (props to Eminem) or the suburbs to the suburbs (shout out to tha Kid)–in fact THEY DON’T RAP AT ALL. I Want You (She’s So Heavy)–I mean, sure we all want the hot girl, but do you have to make the other girl who’s fat feel bad by telling her that? Too cold. And what’s with Carry That Weight–is the guy going with the fat girl after all, or has he gotten fat himself? Confusing. Give Me “your body is a wonderland” any day. Speaking of heavy, forget slammin’ tracks–these guys are ENGLISH, so they don’t hit it like like Korn or Limp Bizkit or Phantom Planet. And okay, yeah, Sun King was kind of cool to chill to, but it would be better if it lasted like, twenty minutes with the same downbeats going all the way through–you can’t get halfway through your doobie before the song is like, over. And Polythene Pam right after? Freaked me out, man. So, in summary, check out a real band like Incubus. [Hard to beleive this one isn’t a parody. Even so, I actually kinda like this guy]
The Scarlet letter: “Why the couple couldn’t have gotten a divorce is beyond me.” [Yes. Yes it is.]
All the Presidents Men: “I didn’t like this movie very much. I only rented it because Stephen Collins was in it as Hugh W. Sloan Jr. I liked his role because I like him and he’s very attractive guy for being 55 years old. I like him best in this movie. He’s also very very good as Eric Camden on the hit ABC television show 7th Heaven. Way to go, Stephen!” [I really don’t know where to begin with this one]
This is Spinal Tap: “If you’re going to make such an excellent documentary, why make it about about a band that nobody has ever heard of? Getting similar behind-the-scenes footage on the Who, The Stones, or Genesis would have been a monumental achievment in documentary cinema. But Spinal Pap?” [Thats ok. I think Steven Tyler made the very same mistake this reviewer is making when he saw the movie]
If you don’t listen to WBUR you’re an asshole and I hate you. Also, if you don’t donate to them this year I hate you.
Pledge now or feel my wrath.
If you’re wondering why I’m so bitter its because none of you told me about this veritable gold mine of a resource. This station brings water to my eyes. Dr. Pants is very upset.
I guess Michael Brown himself was well aware that he wasn’t qualified for his position at FEMA. Perhaps this was known before… but reading it in this context is quite something.
As Hurricane Katrina ripped into the Gulf Coast, the government’s emergency management chief was making flippant remarks about his responsibilities, e-mails show.
“Can I quit now? Can I come home?” former Federal Emergency Management Director Michael Brown wrote to Cindy Taylor, FEMA’s deputy director of public affairs, the morning of the hurricane.
A few days later, Brown wrote to an acquaintance, “I’m trapped now, please rescue me.”
As employees looked for direction and support on the ravaged Gulf Coast, Brown offered to “tweak” the federal response.
Brown resigned on September 12, 10 days after President Bush told him, “Brownie, you’re doing a heck of a job.”
A heck of a job alright.
These were some letters confiscated from DoubleMan’s secret hideout underneath Trent Lott’s NOLA estate that was just recently drained of water. They were letters he sent home to his girlfriend during ‘nam.
Heya chick, this is the Animal!
I’m coming to you from the ass end of Vietnam! It’s hotter than a rotisserie and wetter than you after five minutes with the Animal in the back seat of my deuce. It’s copasetic though cuz LT brought us some hooch and brews and we’re kicking back relaxing. Duckwiser got his hooks on a couple of reels of stag films and we’re watching those to get hepped up for the mission tomorrow. It’s called Operation Muscatine and we’re supposed to pacify a sector or whatever, which means we shoot up the gooks, smoke out their tunnels and burn down the village.
Mud Dog [Captain Ernest “Mad Dog” Medina] has a bug up his ass about killing everything that moves so I got one of those little bird things you put on a drink, you know the ones that bob up and down forever, and I stuck that on his bigass map table as we were walking out of briefing with a note saying “Charlie’s Movin’ Man!” and he was all “which one of you chickenshits put this here?” Nobody said nothing so he just looked all pissed off at all of us so the LT just told us to shag ass out of there.
Then when we got back to our bivouacs we were getting ready to break out the church keys and then LT comes in and said that we had to dig a new trench line for the frigging dime nickels like the FAGs couldn’t get off their lazy asses to dig them. They sat there and watched us for an hour although afterwards they gave us some cured swine they found on some dead gomers last week. Everyone was like “that’s boss” but the Animal, well you know me. After we cleared out I went to the latrine and filled like five jerry cans with the crud that is like a mix of number one and number two and smells god awful. Then I took the jerry cans and dumped them all in the trench we just dug for the FAGS. They’ll be knee deep in that tomorrow! Ha ha ha! Animal strikes again.
Anyway chick, hope you’re keepin’ it wet, I’m gonna knock one out thinking of that time at the passion pit when you let me toss little animal between your cheeks. I’ll write more tomorrow.
Hey babe, just writing again real quick because I had to tell you this hilarious thing before I forget it. Right now I’m sittin’ next to this roadside that is totally full of dead gomers. It’s hilarious. 1st Platoon totally wigged out, like LT just stood there and watched while everyone was just going buck wild. What really kicked things off was when this dude was just totally standing there with his cow out in the field and 2nd squad came around this hootch they were burning. The dude threw his arms up in the air like “hey” and Nichols lit him up good and LT didn’t bat an eye. Verona was the funniest, there was this dude standing there with his hands up and Verona just totally stabbed the dude in the stomach with his bayonet. The dude was wheezing and Verona just BAM right in the head. I was in tears.
It got better though. Verona just grabs this old guy who was doing a loaf in his shorts and took out his 45 and shot him in the throat. I was like “hahahaha!” and then he freaking throws the guy in a well. I was totally on the ground laughing by this point and Verona just turned to me and gave me that cockeyed look of his and he dropped a pineapple right down the well. KABOOM! Oh man, I tell you, these guys are like Bob Hope times ten!
Once the gooks realized we weren’t interested in swapping stories this time around they all started running around in every direction and it just got crazier. I saw this old woman, get this, she had a friggin launched m79 in her stomach. I was going to pretend to be a doctor and be like “here is some Rolaids for that and call me in the morning if it still feels bad” but LT shot her in the face with his sidearm.
Then Sam Spade [Pfc. Samuel Washington] saw some gooks running along the road where I am now and he was like “check it, Animal” and he just lit them all up. He fed a whole chain into them sideways. Lead poisoning! Then me and Verona and Sam Spade headed over to them because a couple were still kicking around. One of them was pretty hot in a slant way and Verona took her shirt off and started jerkin’ the gherkin, but she had a sucker in her lung and he couldn’t get it up. Finally he planted his e-tool in her forehead to shut her up and then knocked one out all over her. Washington had a burlap sack full of teeth and he had emptied ‘em out to play some b-stomp. That’s where you take a gomer baby and stick it in the bag and then drop both heels on it. It’s like a kike wedding or something! POP!
I was gonna knock one out when Verona finished but the gomer looked kind of gross with his nut on her so instead I got underneath a couple of dead old guys and started talking like a ghost. Verona ran and got the LT and I was like “Amellican GI, we will haunt you foll all of time” and even though LT didn’t think it was funny Sam Spade and Verona were cracking in half. Then a couple of the dead gomers started to fart and crap really loud and it was just too much, I doubled over and puked I was laughing so hard.
Ok, whirlybirds are comin’ for some reason so I’m gonna wrap this up. I’ll write more later. I can’t wait to get home and lay some pipe, chick. Hey, if you can, send me some rubbers in your next letter and then I can fill them up and send them back, I don’t know, if that’s gross forget about it.
Oh man baby, things just keep getting funnier. LT had us chasing some gomers and out of the blue a Huey dropped in on us and the pilot was all “durt durt durt, I will fire on you if you don’t let these people go.” And Sam Spade was like “rock and roll then, honkey” but the door gunner was confused so I put this mama san’s face I had cut off over my face and was like “please GI, we just want go here to join our people” and Verona was frigging busting a gut. Then I started to do my “happy talk” dance and even Sam Spade was cracking up. Then I saw this little kid, like maybe five, walk past with his arm shot off and I just couldn’t take it anymore I was laughing so hard. I wish the LT had been around because he would have made that chopper move its fat ass but he was busy chucking frags into hootches half a click away.
Finally the gomers who we were chasing disappear into some jungle and the pilot of the chopper points at us and starts to lift off. Verona dropped trou right there and mooned them as they were heading up. It was the funniest thing I’ve seen all day. He has the runs too and loves peanuts so there were little pieces of peanut all over his ass. That Verona is going to be on stage some day, he’s got an even better sense of humor than your Animal does, baby.
Anyway, I got to go, Mud Dog is landing and he wants to shoot up some gomers so he can recommend himself for another silver star or something. I’ve been thinking about your mom. It’s weird. Do you think she would be willing to drop a loaf on my face while you massage my prostate when I come home on leave? Just a thought.
(actual comedy courtesy of somethingawful.com)
Scenario: Semi-retarded kid creates a Legend of Zelda comic that he thinks is awesome. He posts about it to some gaming forums, displaying the comic. Guys decide to fuck with him. They tell him that they’re from an animation company and they’re interested in turning his comic into a computer animated motion picture. They produce “Animation Test” videos to show the kid some proof of concept, and watermark the videos with the animation company logo.
I cant stop laughing at this. Oh, and the kid totally bought into it.
Please show me the paragraph in the constitution that says this…
UNDER SECRETARY HUGHES: I had one person at one lunch raise the issue of the President mentioning God in his speeches. And I asked whether he was aware that previous American presidents have also cited God, and that our Constitution cites “one nation under God.” He said “well, never mind” and went on to something else. So he sort of was trying to equate that with the terrorists’ (inaudible). So I explained that I didn’t really think that was something you could equate. And he sort of dropped it and moved on. He was one of the opposition leaders in Egypt.
Sorry I must have missed that one.